Saturday, August 4

I loved you every day of your life.

About 2 months ago, our world was changed...again.

I remember thinking to there any way that I could be pregnant??? We didn't expect it, but those 8 tests all said the same thing.  There would be another little baby to welcome into our family in 9 it should really be considered 10 months.  I knew that a surprise to me was never a surprise to God and I just had to trust that He knew exactly what He was doing.  After I got over the shock, 8 tests later, my heart started to expand with love for this new little life growing inside of me.  I would lay in bed at night and dream of what a family of four what be like.  I wondered how Hosea would be as a big brother.  I was so thankful we hadn't unpacked our guest room because it would become baby #2's room.  Would we have a girl this time? Time to sell the single stroller and invest in a double.  What things did we need to budget to make this work? Would I be less sick during this pregnancy? So many things began to go through my mind as I took all this in.  

Things started off different with this pregnancy.  I had been cramping every day so far.  So many people including nurses and midwives all said this was normal, no big deal.  Ok, so, not every pregnancy is the same.  I made all the changes right away that I needed to:  pre-natal vitamins, no caffeine most of the time, no heavy lifting, no more sushi, etc... A week after knowing I was pregnant, I had a strange morning...there was a tiny bit of spotting.  Now, I was a little worried.  I called my OB office and they said just take it easy, bed rest and relax until it stops and as long as it's not more than spotting and no really painful cramping, everything should be okay.  Honestly, I knew this wasn't okay.  People tried to tell me it was nothing, but in my heart, I just knew.  I really tried to be optimistic and just trust the Lord.  I prayed for this little life and believed with all my heart that God would keep this baby safe and I just needed to trust Him.  Finally, it was time to go in for an early ultrasound at 6 weeks just to make sure things were okay.  It was nice to see all the friendly faces at my OB office and I was ready to come visit this place often for the next 9 months.  We got all ready to see our little bean......but, all we saw was a teeny tiny gestational sac.  The ultrasound tech said it was fine, and that I was probably just not as far along as I thought, that I was probably only 4 weeks pregnant.  Once again, in my heart, that just didn't settle with me.  I called other midwifery places to get some input and they agreed that I should ask to have my hcg levels checked.  So, I went in for my blood to be drawn and the results weren't completely what I hoped for, but they were "OK." My numbers didn't quite double like they would have liked, but since they went up, we were just gonna roll with the punches.  A couple weeks later, the OB office called me back and set me up for another hcg check...The results were that my numbers were 34,000!!! Awesome!!! I mean, by this point, I was nauseous through the day and night, I had heartburn like crazy, I was exhausted, and pretty bloated.  Here's some pictures to prove it:

(Also, I really should have been 7 & 8 weeks here based on my original due date)

At this point, I started to really have peace that maybe everything was going to be okay after all.  Even though I had been cramping every single day. 

On August 1, we went in for our 9 week (really 11 week) ultrasound.  I just wanted to hear that little heart beat and see that little baby.  Sigh. This is where it gets hard. As we look on the screen, we see a nice size gestational sac that the tech says is right on track....I saw something else that I hoped believed with all my heart was our little baby....The tech wasn't saying anything.  She just kept measuring everything.  Finally at the end, she said, "Okay, the midwife will talk to you about the ultrasound in the room next door." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That was NOT what I wanted to hear.  We knew we were supposed to hear a heart beat...Why????

We go in the room next door and sit at the little table and neither Iain or I could look at each other.  We talked and smiled with Hosea as he happily babbled to both of us.  And we waited....
............................and waited....................for what seemed like forever. FINALLY the midwife came in.  She pulled out the ultrasound pictures and began to explain.  We were hoping to see that this would be a viable pregnancy.  I am so sorry.  Looking at the ultrasound, we see that there is in fact, no baby.  Your gestational sac and yolk sac were growing and therefore sending off all the hormones telling your body to act pregnant, but early on the baby didn't make it.  I don't think I heard much else.  She let me know that I had 2 choices: 1) Get a d&c because my body wasn't doing what it needed to be doing or 2) Use a pill to medicallly induce contratctions and begin the cleansing process. I was to call back in 24 hrs and let them know what route I wanted to take.

We got home, put Hosea to bed and just sat there in shock and tears.  How could this happen? To not only be told that there is no baby, but that I had to make my body miscarry this baby. Mostly one word went through my head: unfair. We cried and held each other for a good while.  I was so ready to finally announce to everyone that we were going to be a family  of 4!!!

I know God is in control, but it just doesn't make sense.  I love children! My life long dream was to be a wife and mommy.  Why do I have to lose my child when there are so many other people who don't want theirs? I saw other friends on facebook who had just gotten pregnant and I was so excited to tell them I was too.  Some of my best friends have gone through this and my heart broke for them, but I didn't really understand until now.  You make a place in your heart and in your world for this little life.  You dream of meeting their little face. March 2013 was going to be a great month...Fear has really tried to make a home inside my mind.  What if I can't ever have another baby? What if I go through this again? Will we have to adopt if we ever want another child? Can I handle going through another pregnancy after one like this? How do I just live my life everyday knowing I will never meet this little child? On the flip side, Hosea has been such a source of joy in my life the past 2 days especially.  All of a sudden he is my miracle baby.  Any baby that makes it all the way through a pregnancy and is born alive is a miracle baby.  Hosea has smiled constantly and babbled happily all day long. God really gave us quite the blessing in our little Hosea.  He is such a happy and sweet spirited baby.  He even let me weep on him and just let me hold him when I needed to.  

On August 2nd, at 4:00pm I did something that was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I let some medicine into my body that would let this whole thing become even more real.  4 hours later, it started.  Upon the first sight of my body catching up with what was going on in my heart, I wept again.  The last 48 hrs I have been giving this baby back to Jesus.  I am reminded that no child ever really belongs to us... I still don't understand and I don't know if I ever will.  I know that the Lord is sovereign and He has our best interest at heart, but it doesn't make it easy.  The dearest people in my life have been texting and calling me with prayers, encouragement, and sweet friendship.  I can't imagine going through something like this without you.  My mom (who has been going through recovery from a heart attack) has been reminding me of a great truth, that this baby is in the arms of Jesus.  sigh. That is the very best place anyone could ever be.  I don't know how the next weeks and months will be, but I know that my God will never leave me or forsake me.  He is taking the best care of our little baby that we had for a short while.  

My sweet little child, I just want you to know that from the moment I knew you existed I loved you with all my heart.  I had such sweet dreams of what our world would be like with you in it.  You will always be a part of my heart and our lives.  I will never forget the sweet moments I got to carry you inside my womb.  Know that your mommy loves you so very much and that I cannot wait to meet you and hold you one day.  For now, you get to spend every day with Jesus and He will take the very best care of you.  You will never know a world with pain or sorrow.  You are in the best and safest place you could ever be.  I love you so much, my little wee one.

1 comment:

Ryan Burgett said...

Thanks for writing this. I'll be praying for you and your family, it broke my heart to hear it. Hannah and I lost our next kiddo after Riley Joy. In fact, we have two kids up there we look forward to meeting. I'll be praying that you all will have a new revelation of God's love in your life, even in the mist of loss. Be blessed and always remember that God is good.